For over four decades, Dr. John Gottman has dedicated his career to decoding the science of marriage at the University of Washington. Through meticulous observation and analysis, he and his team have identified specific negative habits that can predict divorce with an astonishing 94% accuracy. Central to his findings are the notorious “Four Horsemen,” a group of destructive behaviors that consistently undermine relationships. These insights, grounded in rigorous, long-term studies, have revolutionized our understanding of what makes couples thrive—or fall apart. Gottman’s work demonstrates that relationship stability is not random; it follows predictable patterns uncovered by science, offering hope and guidance for couples everywhere. To learn more about his research, visit the Gottman Institute.
1. Criticism
Criticism, as defined by Dr. Gottman, goes beyond a simple complaint about a partner’s actions—it attacks their character or personality. For example, saying, “You never listen to me; you’re so selfish,” is criticism, whereas, “I feel ignored when you don’t respond,” is a complaint. Repeated criticism can leave partners feeling attacked and inadequate, steadily eroding trust and intimacy. Over time, this pattern builds resentment and creates emotional distance.
For deeper insights and practical examples, see the Gottman Institute’s explanation of criticism.
2. Contempt
Contempt is considered the most destructive of the Four Horsemen, according to Dr. Gottman’s research. It includes sneering, sarcasm, mocking, and eye-rolling—behaviors that signal disrespect and superiority.
Studies show that contempt not only predicts divorce but can even weaken the immune systems of those exposed to it regularly. For instance, a spouse rolling their eyes and calling their partner “pathetic” during an argument is a classic example. Learn more about its dangers in Gottman Institute’s guide to contempt.
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness emerges when one partner responds to criticism or complaints with excuses, denial, or counterattacks. Instead of taking responsibility, defensive responses shift blame and escalate conflicts. For example, replying, “It’s not my fault—we never have time because of your schedule,” often makes the situation worse.
Research consistently shows that defensiveness blocks genuine communication and fuels misunderstanding, creating a negative feedback loop. According to a peer-reviewed study on conflict resolution, defensiveness undermines problem-solving and deepens relational rifts.
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner emotionally withdraws or shuts down during conflict, often as a way to avoid escalation. This silent treatment can be just as damaging as open hostility, signaling disconnection and hopelessness. Longitudinal studies have found that couples who regularly stonewall are at a much higher risk of eventual separation. To counteract stonewalling, experts recommend taking breaks to self-soothe and returning to the conversation when calm. For more on breaking the stonewalling cycle, visit the Gottman Institute’s resource on stonewalling.
5. Lack of Fondness and Admiration
A decline in fondness and admiration is a subtle but powerful predictor of divorce. Dr. Gottman’s “Love Lab” studies revealed that couples who actively express appreciation, respect, and affection toward each other are significantly less likely to separate.
When partners stop noticing each other’s positive qualities, negativity creeps in, making it harder to weather conflict. Regularly sharing small acts of kindness or verbal affirmations can strengthen the bond and buffer against marital distress.
Discover more about the role of admiration in lasting relationships at the Gottman Institute’s fondness and admiration system.
6. Failure to Accept Influence
Another crucial predictor of divorce is the failure to accept influence from one’s partner. This means refusing to consider their opinions or needs, often insisting on one’s own way. Couples who remain rigid during disagreements are much more likely to experience persistent conflict and eventual separation.
Research from Gottman’s studies shows that successful couples share power and are open to each other’s input. For instance, saying, “You make a good point—I hadn’t thought of it that way,” fosters respect and collaboration. Read more about this dynamic at the Gottman Institute’s page on accepting influence.
7. Inability to Repair During Conflicts
Gottman’s research highlights the importance of repair attempts—small gestures or words that de-escalate tension and reconnect partners during disagreements. Phrases like, “I’m sorry, that came out wrong,” or using humor can prevent arguments from spiraling out of control.
Couples who struggle to repair during conflict are far more likely to divorce, regardless of how often they argue. Effective repairs signal commitment to the relationship’s well-being. For more on conflict recovery, see Gottman Institute’s guide to repair attempts.
8. Negative Start-Up
Gottman’s studies show that the tone at the beginning of a conversation often predicts its outcome. If a discussion starts with criticism, sarcasm, or hostility—known as a negative start-up—it’s likely to spiral into conflict and defensiveness, increasing the risk of divorce.
Simple changes, like expressing concerns gently or leading with appreciation, can dramatically improve communication. Couples who practice positive engagement from the outset build more constructive, resilient relationships. Explore tips for healthy conversation starts at the Gottman Institute’s advice on softened start-up.
9. Escalation of Negative Affect
When couples argue, negative emotions like anger, contempt, or frustration can quickly escalate, creating a cycle that’s hard to break. Gottman’s research reveals that this escalation of negative affect—where minor disagreements spiral into major blowouts—strongly predicts marital instability and divorce.
Repeated emotional escalation erodes trust and makes reconciliation difficult. Studies published in peer-reviewed journals confirm that couples who can’t de-escalate negative exchanges are at much higher risk for relationship breakdown.
10. Flooding
Flooding describes the state of being emotionally overwhelmed during conflict—when physiological stress makes it nearly impossible to think clearly or respond constructively. Heart rate spikes, adrenaline surges, and partners may feel attacked or desperate to escape the situation.
According to Gottman’s studies, frequent flooding significantly lowers marital satisfaction and impairs conflict resolution. Recognizing signs such as racing thoughts, clenched fists, or the urge to withdraw is crucial for halting escalation. For more, see Gottman Institute’s explanation of flooding.
11. Harsh Startup
A “harsh startup” occurs when discussions begin with criticism, sarcasm, or accusations rather than calm, respectful communication. Gottman’s research shows that couples who consistently use harsh startups are far more likely to divorce, as the tone set at the outset predicts the conversation’s trajectory.
Studies on marital communication patterns emphasize the long-term harm of harsh startups, suggesting that gentle, respectful openers are more effective. For alternatives and practical tips, visit the Gottman Institute’s guide to softened start-up.
12. Persistent Gridlock on Perpetual Problems
Every relationship faces both solvable and perpetual problems—those rooted in fundamental differences, such as values or personality traits. According to Gottman’s research, persistent gridlock on these recurring issues can signal deep trouble if couples become stuck in resentment or hopelessness.
Marital therapy studies highlight that successful couples find ways to navigate or manage their differences with empathy and humor, rather than demanding total agreement. For more guidance, see the Gottman Institute’s discussion of perpetual problems.
13. Absence of Positive Bids for Connection
In Gottman’s research, “bids” are small gestures for attention, affection, or support—like asking for a hug or sharing a story from your day. When these bids are ignored or rejected, couples slowly disconnect, eroding emotional intimacy.
Successful couples regularly turn toward each other’s bids, reinforcing trust and connection. For example, responding with interest when your partner shares a thought shows you value them. To explore this concept further, visit the Gottman Institute’s guide to turning toward bids.
14. Low Ratio of Positive to Negative Interactions
One of Gottman’s most influential findings is the “magic ratio”—successful couples maintain at least five positive interactions for every negative one during conflict. This 5:1 ratio predicts which marriages will last, as positive moments help buffer against the inevitable negatives.
When the ratio drops, negativity dominates and satisfaction plummets. The original research, published in peer-reviewed journals, underscores the importance of daily kindness, humor, and affection. Read more about the 5:1 ratio in Gottman Institute’s breakdown.
15. Unresolved Past Hurts
When old wounds remain unaddressed, couples often find themselves trapped in cycles of resentment and emotional distance. Issues like betrayal, harsh words, or past neglect can resurface during new conflicts, making healing difficult.
Therapists note that without conversations to process and forgive, these hurts become barriers to intimacy and trust. Research in psychological healing highlights the importance of addressing unresolved pain to prevent long-term relationship damage.
Acknowledging and working through past hurts is essential for lasting connection.
16. Poor Conflict Management Skills
Couples who lack effective conflict management skills often find themselves locked in repetitive, unproductive arguments. Without strategies like active listening, compromise, or calming techniques, even minor disagreements can escalate into major sources of stress.
Research in conflict management shows that poor resolution skills are strongly linked to chronic dissatisfaction and increased risk of divorce. Building these skills—with help from therapy or educational resources—can transform how partners navigate inevitable tensions.
17. Lack of Shared Meaning
Couples who lack a sense of shared meaning—such as common goals, values, or meaningful rituals—are more likely to drift apart over time. Gottman’s research shows that thriving relationships are built on a foundation of shared dreams and purpose, whether through family traditions, joint projects, or aligned life visions.
When partners fail to create or nurture this sense of connection, the relationship can feel empty or aimless. For more on building shared meaning, see the Gottman Institute’s advice on shared meaning.
18. Emotional Disengagement
Emotional disengagement—when one or both partners withdraw from sharing feelings, affection, or daily experiences—is a significant predictor of long-term dissatisfaction and eventual separation. This silent drift creates an emotional void, making it hard for couples to reconnect.
International studies, such as those reviewed in the International Journal of Psychological Research, confirm that emotional withdrawal undermines intimacy and increases divorce risk across cultures. Recognizing and addressing disengagement early is key to restoring closeness and satisfaction.
19. Frequent Physiological Stress Responses
Chronic physiological stress—such as rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, or shallow breathing—during conflicts is a warning sign of relationship distress. Gottman’s studies found that couples who regularly experience these stress reactions are less able to resolve disagreements and more likely to feel misunderstood or threatened.
Psychophysiological research, such as that found in the Annals of Behavioral Medicine, links repeated stress responses to declining marital satisfaction and increased divorce risk. Learning to recognize and manage these reactions can improve emotional safety and conflict outcomes.
20. Lack of Trust and Security
Trust is the bedrock of every lasting relationship. When trust or emotional security is compromised—whether through betrayal, secrecy, or consistent unreliability—partners begin to doubt the relationship’s stability. Even seemingly small breaches of trust can accumulate, fostering suspicion, resentment, and emotional distance. Research consistently shows that couples lacking trust are at a much higher risk of separation. For more on the foundational role of trust, visit the Gottman Institute’s trust metric.
21. Infrequent Expressions of Appreciation
Daily appreciation and gratitude are powerful protectors against marital dissatisfaction. Gottman’s research found that couples who regularly express thanks—whether for small tasks or deeper qualities—are more resilient and satisfied long-term.
Simple gestures like saying, “I appreciate you making dinner,” or leaving a thoughtful note, reinforce positive feelings and connection. Infrequent appreciation, on the other hand, erodes warmth and partnership. For practical examples and data, explore the Gottman Institute’s work on gratitude.
Conclusion
Decades of research have shown that divorce is rarely random—it’s often the result of identifiable patterns and habits. From criticism and contempt to lack of appreciation and emotional disengagement, these predictors offer both warning signs and a roadmap for change.
The good news is that recognizing these habits provides couples with the power to transform their relationships. Proactive engagement, open communication, and seeking support—such as evidence-based couples therapy—can help rebuild trust and connection.
By addressing these challenges together, couples can not only avoid divorce but also create a more loving, resilient partnership for the future.