15. Standup Comedian Jim Jefferies Tells His Break-In Story

A comedian named Jim Jeffries was robbed, and he once told the full story on a podcast. We’re going to abbreviate the story for the sake of this article, but if you want to hear him tell the full version, click here. “Two guys came through the window. One with a hammer, one with a machete. I got a scar when they cut my head. They tied us up and took all types of stuff. Then, they took the keys to my car and drove off out of the house. They got caught speeding in my car before we had ever made the call. They’re now serving 12 years in prison for grievous bodily harm and aggravated burglary. ”

The story continued, ‘They also got him for possession of drugs, right, which was brilliant because they were my drugs. The cops are questioning us and they go, ‘Mr. Jefferies one last thing…Do you know anything about those drugs?’ I told them that I don’t know I don’t know anything about them. And the cop goes, ‘funny your fingerprints are all over them’ and I went, ‘they made me touch it.'”

14. Saved by the Sword

This story came from Waterguardian. “I was living in Las Vegas at the time, and was asleep in my bed when I heard banging at my door around 10am.  This was early for me, so I was still really tired, but decided to just go see who the hell was beating at my door. When I looked out the peephole, I saw no one there. Pissed off that I just imagined someone beating at my door, I went back to my bed. Three minutes later I hear someone messing with my window. Confused, thinking it was probably maintenance fixing something. I see a man walking away with my window screen. Suddenly I realized I never received a notice of work, nor asked for any.”

“By this time the guy came back and I heard what sounded like him trying to pry my window open. I kept a decorative sword by my bed, so I grabbed it, unsheathed it and braced my back against the wall next to the window remaining out of sight. He popped my window open and took his hands to slowly open a view from my blinds. Adrenaline had begun to pump into my veins like nitrous to a car. I raised my sword and blindly stabbed it out the window. Missed his eye by an inch. Mr. Cat Burglar fell back into the bush under my window allowing me to swing again. It landed, but, it just merely cut his jacket. He got up and ran like the wind as yelled at the top of my lungs, “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE”.

13. Keep Calm, and Load Your Gun

A user named Drunkeness is likely shows a scenario why so many Americans like to own guns. “My dad was living in an apartment on the second floor. One night he was woken from slumber from some noise in the living room. Being from Texas, he grabs his shotgun (standard Texas issue when any Texas citizen comes of age) and slowly and silently moves into the living area like a redneck ninja.”

“He sees the balcony door open and a dude rummaging through the stuff in the darkened living room. My dad, the badass, says nothing. Does not move. Does not make a peep. He simply cocks his shotgun.Upon hearing this, the burglar does not turn around. He does not hesitate for a second. He runs through the open door, leaps off the balcony and just starts running when he hits the ground.I don’t think my dad even bothered to call the cops. I honestly never even thought to ask him if he did.”

12. An Entire Minecraft Server Listened to a Break in

A user by the name of TaylorHammond9 told the story of how he witnesses a robbery over a Minecraft server. “About a year back, I was sitting at home playing Minecraft (how I spent most of my time last summer) with a few buds on a server. We were all from different states, so we didn’t know each other in real life or anything. We’re all in a call together on Skype. We’re all playing, as usual, and all of the sudden we hear a huge bang come from someone’s microphone.”

My friend lived with a roommate, but was home alone at the time. As he lived in a rather small apartment, he turns around and could see the guy right there. Obviously the 15 seconds consisted of sort of things going back and forth like “GET THE F- OUT” “F- YOU B-“. Luckily enough, the robber wasn’t armed or anything, and when my friend began to run at him with a (laugh if you’d like, but it was effective) wireless keyboard. I’ll never forget it. Because other than the screaming going on, on his side of the chat. Everyone else was dead silent for a few minutes as he called the police.”

11. Saved by the Bible

This story from the user RedRobin15 is very short, but it’s hilarious. “My great grandma, being the hardcore Christian she was, told the robber in a commanding voice, ‘GO WITH GOD.’ The dude freaked and booked it out of there in fear of this old grandma with a Bible. And she did it all from her easy chair.”

10. The Naked Archer Banished the Heathen Robin Hood Style

A woman who goes by the username TorchIt tells the story of how her archery skills saved the say. “I do traditional archery. I also sleep naked. These will be relevant points in about twenty seconds. My last house wasn’t in the nicest of neighborhoods. Not bad, but not really the kind of place you want to leave a door unlocked. Luckily for me, I remembered to lock the door…but forgot that I’d burned something in the oven earlier and left the kitchen window cracked.

About two in the morning, I heard my cat going crazy in the living room, and I knew something was up. So I grabbed my bow off of the wall and knocked an arrow. Walked into the living room quietly, flipped on the light, and behold…a young man half-in, half-out of my kitchen window, straddling it like a horse. It’s not an easy window to climb through, the sill is about at eye-level. Drew back to my anchor, lined up my shot, and said ‘Wrong house, mother-!’ He stared at me completely dumbfounded for a moment. Considering that he’d just been caught in the act of breaking into a house by bow wielding woman wearing nothing but socks, I think he handled himself quite well actually. He promptly rolled out of my window and beat feet.”

9. What Happens in Texas Stays in Texas

This story is from a user called emreveles. “I live in a two bedroom apartment with my best friend and my dog. When we moved in we decided to buy a shotgun for home protection since we lived on a more dangerous part of town. So one night I wake up to the sound of my dog growling. He is a Lab who is always friendly so as soon as he was showing aggression towards something, I knew someone had broken in. I grabbed the shotgun from under my bed(we decided to keep it in my room because I had more experience shooting.) and went to go check out what was up.”

“As soon as I opened the door my dog ran out and started barking at the guy that had broken in. My dog didn’t do anything but stand there and bark. Right at that moment I pointed my shotgun at this guy and told him to lay down. I gave him a choice, either stay still and wait till the cops show up, or I will shoot you if he tried to run. I live in Texas so it’s legal to shoot an intruder inside of your house. He decided to stay on the ground and wait for the cops to show up. I yelled my roommates name until he woke up and told him to call the cops. I’m glad he decided to wait for the cops to show because I don’t think I would’ve been able to shoot him.”

8. Don’t Ignore Someone At Your Door

A young woman who goes by the username Melishka on Reddit wrote about a terrifying experience she had living in a city alone. “I was working the morning shift at the time and was about to go to sleep around 9am when I heard a knock at my door. After looking through the peep hole and there was a huge dude that I did not recognize standing there. I figured if I didn’t say anything he would just go away. He did not. After a minute I walked into the other room trying to decide what I should do. While I was pacing, he threw his whole weight (probably a good 400 pounds) into my door and busted the frame right in.”

“I screamed as loud as possible ‘WHAT THE F-?!’ and grabbed my phone to call 911. Ten minutes later locked in my bathroom the cops finally showed up, he ran off once I screamed. I rode in the cop car and id’d him a street over. Thinking back, if I had just said “who’s there?” he probably would have left…but oh well. I was disappointed in myself, because I had taken self defense classes and everything but all I ended up doing was yell and fumble to call 911. I was standing in my kitchen and didn’t even grab a knife. As a 23 year old girl who grew up in the suburbs where nothing bad ever really happened, it sucked. I promptly moved.”

7. Wrong Place, Wrong Time

When a Reddit user by the name of DarrenEdwards moved into a new apartment, he encountered an unexpected intruder. But he was ready with his nunchucks. It just wasn’t exactly what he thought was happening. “Had just moved my stuff into my new ground level apartment and crashed on the couch. Hardly anything had even made it into the bedroom. That first night I heard voices, then a knife click, then my screens being cut. My nunchucks were right where I could get at them so I started into the bedroom.”

“The window opened and I saw two legs slide in, bam bam bam I beat the f- out of the back of those legs. I had a free and clear shot and I wailed on them. I got shots on both legs. Not something that would f- someone up, but they weren’t going anywhere. I let him go out the window and raced around the front to confront him. It turned out to be two teenagers that had been using the empty apartment as their f- den. The guy was crying, the girl had to help him walk. They were terrified. I didn’t do anything, they weren’t going to do it again.”

6. At Least He Was Ready

A Reddit user who goes by the name of FirstStateJake was so ready for a cat burglar when he was young, he almost made a huge mistake. “About three years ago I was staying at my grandmother’s house and sleeping in the living room. I heard someone messing with the front door and went to the basement to grab my shotgun (I’ve been shooting since I was 8 and know how to use it). I load four shells and wait behind the kitchen wall. The door opens and I swing around the wall and point the gun right at him…It was my cousin from North Carolina who was coming down for the weekend (something my brother failed to tell me). Funniest part was he just walked past and said “Quit messin’ around”

5. Almost Kidnapped by the Nanny

This person has deleted their reddit account since writing this story. However, I wanted to include this on the list, because the concept is terrifying. You think you can trust your nanny or babysitter to look after your kids. But this woman clearly got too attached to this toddler, and the result was insane.

“I was 3 years old, my older brother was 14. My mom and dad slept upstairs. A burglar (my nanny’s brother) broke into the house at night through my brother’s open window and he screamed. The robber got him in a choke hold and held a knife to his throat. When he took my brother into the hallway he looked up to see my fat, British, naked father standing on the other side with a .357 magnum trained on his head. The robber made it out of the house alive and my father didn’t take the shot as he ran away, as that is illegal here in California. My brother, who is now 36, still sleeps with a night light. Later it was discovered that the burglar’s intent was to abduct me because we were moving away and my nanny didn’t want to let me go.”

5. Industrial Apartments Seem Cool, Until You’re Living in a Literal Horror Movie

From Professionaleisure; “I was living in a 3 story building, with only the top floor as a semi-official apartment. The bottom 2 was a printing business and rooms for storage. This place was huge and dilapidated. The lights weren’t always working in the rooms of the business, lots of dark nooks and crannies. It was literally like something from the film SeVen. Anyway, I always thought I’d react so coolly during a robbery, but I actually just froze solid in bed out of sheer terror. I mustered sitting up in bed, and heard a person stepping out of the room beside my bedroom. It took me a good few minutes to fumble around for my phone, all the while listening. 

It took me about 10 minutes of nerve-wrecking silence to convince myself that the person had left, and I got up to investigate. I had a good 5 minutes sneaking around the top floor, trying to keep my ears open for any noise around the apartment. Made it to the kitchen where I stored a baton and a torch, and found the door that had been pried open. I had to basically search the whole building top to bottom to make sure the intruder hadn’t just hidden somewhere in one of the many rooms on the lower floors. The entire time, I was never entirely sure if the person had left, or was just around the corner. It was the most terrifying, adrenaline-inducing, heart-pounding half-hour of my life.”

4. The Cat Burglar Was At His Mercy

In this story from a Reddit user called Burnetts199, we see how acting before thinking can potentially get you in trouble. “During my sophomore year at University, I lived in a 4-story house notorious for throwing parties. Anybody could have used this opportunity to scope out what we had inside. One late Friday night around 4 am, my buddies and I heard some odd noises coming from the living room. As I walked down the hall, I saw the intruders drop what they were doing and bolt out of the side door. I ran out the door by myself and chased after them barefoot. During the pursuit, I see a large green suburban that is clearly their escape vehicle. One of the three cuts to the left and runs up somebody’s driveway. 

As soon as I caught up, I grabbed his shirt, threw him to the ground, secured one of his arms, and slammed my knee on his head. His friends ran over to rescue him. Since I was alone, I didn’t know if they would try to beat me up. So I lift my knee up off of his face. The kid gets up and runs away. To this day, I do not know why I didn’t beat the kid I had in the palm of my hand that had just robbed me. When I returned home, I discovered my Wii and my roommate’s car keys and iPod were missing. Looking back, I realize that I am lucky that they did not use any weapons against me, as I would have not had any way to defend myself. At the same time, it’s one of my biggest regrets.”

3. This University Student Followed A Burglar Until the Cops Showed Up

A reddit user named Gudgrim was brave enough to take matters into his own hands. “Was sitting on my computer playing games at around 16:30 (4:30PM) when I heard a sound. Thought my girlfriend might be home early from work. When I walk into my bedroom and I see a druggy standing there putting stuff in his pocket! I ran up to him screaming “what are you doing here!” and threw him to the ground and started picking his pocket for everything he had. Found my girlfriend’s engagement ring and an old wallet as well as his car keys. Well I didn’t want him in my apartment so I pushed him out the door and when I saw he had a bag right outside, I snatched it before him and locked my door.

In the bag was 4 mobile phones (not mine) and a projector from my university. He probably wanted it back since he was standing hammering at my door screaming that he had friends outside coming to get me and that it “needed to happen”, like it was planned or something. So I found my mobile and called the cops. I told him I was, and I could hear him leave. Proceeded to follow him on the street out of sight and talked to some operator that connected me to a civilian marked patrol car(?) that finally caught up with me and I could point him out in the crowd. He was arrested and justice served!”

2. This Child Cat Burglar Was So Dumb

Some people fantasize about living in a big frat house in college. Based on this story by the used called GoodandBluts, it’s probably not the safest place. “Lived in a shared student house when I was in my final year at university. In that 12 months, the house had 5 attempted burglaries. It had an alarm on it, which stopped 3 attempts. They kicked the door in, and the alarm scared them away. The fourth time I was home on my own, and I heard something from the back yard. I looked out the window and saw a youth with a brick in his hand. He made eye contact and dropped the brick, saying he had kicked his soccer ball into our yard and was trying to find it. The funny thing was this idiot was only from 3 doors down.

The final time, we were burgled when nobody was at home and nobody seemed to care about the wailing alarm – and the thief finally got hold of some of our possessions (guitar amps, etc). We mentioned the previous attempted break in to the police, and sure enough, they checked 3 doors down and found this imbecile sitting in his bedroom with all of our belongings.”

1. This Family Gets Revenge on the Cat Burglar Who Stole From Them

A Reddit user named craigeryjohn tells the story of how his dad almost got arrested for attacking the burglar. And the worst part is, she was someone who pretended to be their friend. “Woke up at 2am to a rustling sound. I go to the living room to find my mom’s ‘friend’ removing the tv, vcr, stereo, etc. She tells me my mom and dad had a fight, and she’s just helping my mom move out. Mom was at a party. She leads me back to bed, and continues to remove our belongings. While she is outside, I go to wake my dad. He begins yelling and choking her as she stands by her car full of our stuff. Immediately, we see police lights across the street. The two cops tried to arrest my dad. 

After a lot of arguing, they finally put her in cuffs and took her away. By the time we arrived at the county jail to press charges, she had been released. This woman was the Sheriff’s niece. There was a string of unsolved thefts in our county that summer. She didn’t come back for her car for a while. Rumor is that an angry family towed the car into the street, busted all the windows, slashed the tires, and recovered the patriarch’s wallet from the glove box. When the cops showed up, the family didn’t know who did it.”